An Open Letter to Grizzly Bears

Dear Bears of the Grizzly variety.


We’re watching you mother fuckers. You’re time is up. Don’t let us catch your asses anywhere near our schools anymore or our teachers will light you up. With my girl Betsy “Run-and-gun” DeVos in power, we can finally exercise our constitutional right to heavily arm ourselves in school environments. Amen to that.

That means no more digging through our dumpsters, tipping over our bird feeders, and especially no more eating our precious school children.

Here are some terrifying (and true) Grizzly Bear facts:

  • Male Grizzly Bears can reach a whopping 600 pounds. That’s like two full Dan Marinos before he started the Nutrisystem weight loss program.  
  • California’s state flag features the Grizzly. There used to be a lot of them there until the booming real estate market priced them out.
  • Grizzly Bears can climb trees, like really fast. (Check this out)
  • A Grizzly Bear tried to kill Hollywood-darling Leonardo DiCaprio.


Let it be known Grizzly’s, us humans ain’t putting up with your shit anymore. All 1,800 (estimated) of you that live in the lower 48 better check yourself. The three killings you average per year in all of North America is about to drop to zero.


The concerned Citizens of the United States.


P.S. Let’s just end this letter with a shout out to Mrs. DeVos. She’s just proved to us that the American Dream isn’t dead– You can be completely incompetent and wrong for a position of power, but still win in the face of adversity… as long as you come from a rich family and pay the right people.    


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