July 26, 2017

I think that I’m mentally in a weird place right now– well, weirder than normal I should say.

I posted this up on facebook earlier today: last night I had a really vivid dream about parasites exiting face. I remember standing in the bathroom and popping a pimple and then a few off-white worms were hanging from my cheeks and brows, squirming. There were more biting bugs involved, but really I just remember the worms. My grandmother was there too– she seemed mildly alarmed by the parasites.

Then my alarm went off.

Normally I don’t remember any of my dreams, so the fact that I was able to remember this one in the slightest was…curious.

My very helpful friends suggested a few explanations.

  • I was being consumed by my own ideas.
  • I was ugly on the inside– but let’s be honest I’m pretty damn ugly on the outside too.
  • I was shedding a part of me that I didn’t want.
  • I was losing a certain aspect of my 20’s
  • I missed my friend Tom. (Thanks Tom for that insight)

I think, after some consideration, that stress is the culprit. Oh sure STRESS is blamed for most things in life, gaining weight, losing weight, smoking cigarettes, nervous breakdowns, acute gastrointestinal stress etc. etc. But, some stress is good.

Some stress is a kick in the ass to make us do shit that we don’t want to do. Hell, if I wasn’t stressed about where my next meal is coming from, I wouldn’t feel the need to go to work. If I wasn’t stressed about my thinning hair, I wouldn’t be #baldandbeautiful now. STRESS can be good in moderation.

Parasites coming out of your face, maybe, might be too much STRESS. Why am I stressed? I just bought a car. Not outright with cash like my other car, but signing papers, contracts, and dreaded LOANS.

A quick sidebar: Only my sophomore-year roommates know this, but at the beginning of the year, Clark informed me on move in day that I wouldn’t be coming back to school because I didn’t have enough $$$. Luckily, family came to my rescue. The next day I threw up a dozen times, anxious that I wouldn’t be able to afford the next semester or the next or the next or the next or the next. Between heaving I laid on my bed and held on for dear life– I felt like I was going to rocket through the four stories above me in the Maywood dorms. Financial stress is not a new concept.

On top of rent, food, electricity, student loans, I’ve now piled on a car payment every month. Yay. gag

Rationally, I know that I can handle the payment and that a car will help in the future job hunt. Irrationally though, parasites, vomit, and oddly enough the color scarlet.

That’s largely been my week. Very relaxing. Wouldn’t have my vacation any other way. Oh, and I’ve been listening to Flower Boy a lot. It’s good. Check it out. The first chords of the second track are like audible nostalgia.


Edit 1: Also one friend offered that I’ve started the process of losing my mind. But, I will have some professional success soon. I think this one sounds the most likely. I’ve always known somewhere deep down that I was destined to be insane


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