Trevor, Son of Mark and Linda

Trevor felt calloused hands close on his shoulders and push him forward. Nowhere to escape to now, he thought.


“Come forward Trevor,” the village elder, Glenda, Devourer of 53 Chicken Nuggets In A Single Sitting, said softly. “It is time to receive your title and ascend into adulthood.” She paused and brought her face an inch away from Trevor’s. Her cloudy blue eyes had seen many nuggets. Of that he was sure, but Trevor didn’t know what she was looking for now. Her nostrils flared and she vacuumed in nearby wisps of sage smoke.


“What are you..” Trevor whispered.


A stern shh breathed on Trevor’s neck. Ahh, so the callous hands belong to a head, Trevor thought, trying to loosen himself up. The grip tightened. If this was the summation of adulthood– being sniffed by older women and aggressively massaged by hard man hands then Trevor decided he wanted.


“You… are… special, Trevor.” Glenda said, lifting her gaze to ceiling of her darkened longhouse. “You have seen many trials and tribulations and your soul has been weathered by the hard choices you’ve made in your time. But, there is something that you’ve done that no one else has accomplished. It sets you apart from all others, born from selfish loving.”


Trevor’s eyebrows cocked. What in the fuck was this woman talking about. For a moment Trevor thought his inner monologue was projecting throughout the room as the hard man hands tightened once more on his shoulders. He hadn’t the slightest clue what the choice born from selfish love could be. A girlfriend? But, he’d never had one. Could she be talking about family somehow? Trevor was turning it around in his mind when Glenda spoke again.


“From here on out, Trevor, son of Mark and Linda, you shall be known as Trevor, Ejaculator Into Every Sock. I have seen it in a vision: on a rainy morning years ago, you ejaculated into every sock you owned.” Glenda said, putting Trevor at arms length.


Trevor’s face flushed and a fit of laughter broke out behind him. He tried to look back but the hard man hands kept him looking forward. “Kneel before your elder, Trevor, Ejaculator Into Every Sock, and thank her for the title.” The gruff voice said.


“No,” Trevor scoffed. “Absolutely not.” He tried to turn around to the rest of the 21 year olds in line. “I never came in all my socks. This crazy ol’ lady doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Visions?! She can’t even see my face. She sniffed me.”


A voice carried from the line, “So you came into some of your socks then?”


Trevor tried to shrug off the hands on his shoulders. But, instead the hands brought him to his knees with a sharp squeeze around his neck.


“Enough,” The hard man hand on his right shoulder met his right ear with a clap. “Show Devourer of 53 Chicken Nuggets In One Sitting her due respect.”


Glenda stood dreamily. She brought her hand up to Trevor’s shoulder, “Tell me Trevor, was my vision of you wrong?”


Trevor turned his hands upward, begging. “Yes. I didn’t jack off into all of my socks. That’s disgusting. Like, if anything, I’ve jacked off into one sock.”


Glenda withdrew and rubbed a temple with a withered hand. “This is very troubling then. My visions have never been wrong before. Perhaps the spirits are abandoning me and leaving in their wake false visions of the past. Troubling indeed.”


Glenda began to speak, but as she opened her mouth she fell convulsing until she lay collapsed on the floor. Trevor and hard man hands, who turned out to be a black-cloaked giant, rushed to help the collapsed elder. As they knelt down, Glenda gasped awake.


“Trevor,” Glenda whispered in a low voice. “You shall know be known as Trevor, Weekly Clogger of Hitchcock’s Community College Gender Neutral Bathroom.” As Glenda finished her head rolled back and she snored softly.
Trevor cursed his luck. Why hadn’t he led a more fulfilling life before now? He considered his dating prospects for a few seconds kneeling beside the sleeping Devourer, and began to cry.


Prompt: On your 21st birthday, your biggest accomplishment becomes your official title – no matter how trivial. You wait anxiously in line for your village elder, Glenda, Devourer of 53 Chicken Nuggets In A Single Sitting, to assign you your new title.


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