And on the seventh day, the Lord said “Let’s Party”

Prompt You are god and have been on a bender since you drove Adam & Eve out of the garden. You wake up in a cheap motel room and start to read the Bible trying to make sense of all the shit you apparently did.


Ring Ring


He tossed and turned throwing His mighty arms over His head. All of the lights were on in the room. And what was that smell. Cigarettes?


Ring Ring


He picked the phone off the receiver and held it six inches away from His ear. “Hello?” He groaned.


“Good Morning Mr…. Jehovah,” The overly cheerful voice said on the line. “This is your requested 4 a.m. wake up call.”


“4 a.m.? Why?” Jehovah groaned. Whatever He drank last night was bubbling in His stomach. He choked back a gag.


“Well sir, you were very insistent last night. I double checked, but you said that it was a matter of life and death. Then you stormed off after filling your pockets with ice cubes.”


“Er, sure. Any chance you heard what the life and death matter was?”  


“No,” the clerk snapped. “Have a wonderful day.




Jehovah turned to put the phone back onto its receiver. The jerking motion disturbed his bubbling stomach, escalating the crisis past the point of stifled dry heaves. He puked all over the side table and a splash on the phone. He groaned and decided he’d had enough of this feeling. Jehovah closed his eyes and focused the hangover away.


He sat up and grunted his way off the bed. Being divine did nothing for his knees– they creaked and popped all the way up.


In the bathroom he found a stack of clean-ish towels on the top of the toilet. He grabbed the top towel, turned, stopped and turned back to grab a second just to be safe. He caught a brief glance at Himself in the mirror and quickly looked away.


“Oh God, don’t you even look at me.” He said to the mirror.


The mirror spoke back. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You’re acting like one of your humans.”


“No,” Jehovah laughed. “They’re acting like me. Remember. I created them in my image.”


The mirror of himself rolled his eyes and shook his head.


Jehovah walked out smirking. Can’t argue with that infallible logic eh? He walked back to his mess on the end table. It proved to be nasty work and had spread into the top drawer.


“Fucking Hell.” He cussed.


Ring Ring.


Jehovah answered. “Hello? Who’s this?”


“Lucifer,” the raspy voice said. “You called?”


“Oh my mistake Lucy.” He said. “But I’ll call you back in a bit. I think we have a lot to talk about.”


“We certainly do Lord. We haven’t spoken for some time. And, frankly I’m concerned. Last time you called you said you were going to trick some idiot to take his son up to a mountaintop to kill him because you said you wanted to see if he’d do it.”


“Er.” Jehovah said racking his memory.  


“Are you alright? Like mentally?”


“I have to go Lucy. Talk to you in a bit.” Jehovah slammed the phone down. “What was all that about killing sons?” He said aloud. He continued to clean his mess. What is that, he thought pulling out a dusty leather bound book out of the drawer. He turned it over in His hands and blew the dust off. It somehow felt vaguely familiar.  


Holy Bible.


“Holy eh?” He muttered. “I’ll be the judge of that.” Jehovah sat unmoving thumbing through the bible on his unmade bed until the sun peaked through his blinds. A knock on his door finally broke his concentration.


“Hello? Housekeeping.”


“Uhhhh,” Jehovah struggled to put the book down. “Yeah one sec.” Trying to remember thousands of years amounted to a mighty challenge; even for Him. Learning about it second hand had plastered a horrified look on Jehovah’s face. It had startled the elderly cleaning lady when he answered the door this way; dressed in a bathrobe the weight of several holy wars on his mind.


“I can come back another time, Sir.”


“No. No. No. Now is fine,” He said. The woman in front of him was getting on in age He saw. She wrung her hands as they spoke.


“Hey,” He said turning to the cleaning lady unloading her supply cart into his room. “What’s wrong with your hands?”


“Uhhh, oh they just ache sir. Nothing to worry about.”


“Huh,” He stepped closer and took her hands in his. They became warm and her eyes widened as she looked up.


“Wha–. How are you?” She said.


Jehovah just smiled. It felt good doing something good. He broke away after a few more seconds and left her be. He walked out of the room and produced a pair of sunglasses from somewhere in the folds of his bathroom.


“Hell? Hello Hell.” He said. The payphone at the end of the row of rooms began to ring. He walked over and answered.


“Yes? Lucy? Hey, Lucy” He laughed “Let’s get together and chat. I have some questions for you.” Jehovah laughed.


“You think that’s a wise idea sir? Besides, I’d really rather not. My place is down here.”


“You and I are getting drinks and that’s that.” He said in his this-bears-no-further-discussion tone. “Hey, is it true that I told a guy to build a giant boat, fill it with animals, and then I flooded the earth?”


There was a pause on the other end. “Yes, yes you did.”


“Shit.” Jehovah grimaced. “But now that’s why we’re getting together. I need someone to tell it to me straight. Anyone else would just blow smoke up my ass. But I bet you could do that too with all the fire and brimstone, eh?” He laughed.


“Very well sir.”


“Good. Meet me at where ever I end up later then. Sound good?” He didn’t wait for an answer before he hung up.
He walked towards reception. Time to check out. Two of every animal, that’s a massive fucking boat, He thought with a chuckle.


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